I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
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ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.