Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
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every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted