Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
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Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.