*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
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If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Best table by far
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.