*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
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Great game to play with friends
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
this is how life feels
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.