*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
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Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.