*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
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Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together