Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
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Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.