Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
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Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS