draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
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My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?