Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
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Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
I’ll be mad as hell!
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”