do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
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YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.