What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
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I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not