McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
You Might Also Like
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING