Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
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#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID