When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
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My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
blocked.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.