You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
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Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Wednesday
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Which wines pair best with gloating?
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.