Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
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Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks