*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
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Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
I’d hang this in my house.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.