Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
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Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.