Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
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I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
When you’ve simply given up.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee