*jazz hands*
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My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.