There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
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You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*