When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
You Might Also Like
I had to Stop for this
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.