Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
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Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
I had to Stop for this
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus