ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
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I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.