My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
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Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
He’s dead
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable