Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
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It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Good advice.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood