if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
You Might Also Like
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
found this cool rock hiking today
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.