No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
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*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you