autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
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Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL