daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
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He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
All set.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.