Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
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BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”