Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
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Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?