If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
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my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
My circle of trust is a meatball
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.