Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
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send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.