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Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.