Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
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Duck typos.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach