I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
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Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”