kitchen magnet
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I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Why I divorced her.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.