As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
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Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
boat question
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.