[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
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Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”