If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
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I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
January has been Januweary
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Twitter is an abusement park.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap