If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
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ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*