Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
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30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.