interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
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me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.