Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
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[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
“i miss shittin on people”
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.