PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
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[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
That’s a good costume, I hope.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so