(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
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I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus