I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
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[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help